Excessive Variance

Saturday I got home around 8:30am and was back up and around after only a few hours of sleep. Not much was going on other than watching some playoff basketball (Memo to Ray, don’t hesitate on that pull up and let the defenders close just pull the fucking trigger) and playing a little rock band. I’m about as bad at rhythm games as a human can be. I also can’t dance, which shouldn’t be a huge shock to anyone considering how large my feet are. Either way, thanks to the constant congestion I decided playing poker again wasn’t in my best interest today.

Travis got the bright idea to have me take some Sudafed after he got tired of laughing at me looking miserable. I don’t like taking pills, and I rarely do it other than some ibuprofen when I get a really bad headache. I don’t recall at any point ever taking any type of nasal decongestant medicine before. So my first time using Sudafed resulted in in me getting extremely light headed. I’ve learned from watching Breaking Bad (I highly recommend this show) that smurfs purchase Sudafed and sell it so it can be turned into meth, so it has to be good stuff right? It felt like I had a nice buzz going which is no big deal if I’m just sitting around the house, but of course sitting around the house wasn’t the agenda.

Travis wanted to grab lunch at Qdoba before heading to get groceries. I love the quesadillas there so this sounds like a brilliant plan to me. What he didn’t mention was he was planning on going to Walmart to do the grocery shopping. If everyone has their own personal hell, mine would be a super Walmart. I hate everything about Walmart, the employees, the customers, the dirty ass stores, it puts me into a rather unsafe mental state I call Walmart rage. It’s like an extreme version of road rage but it only occurs to me inside Walmarts. I’m lucky I have never been arrested in one considering some of the dumb shit I’ve pulled there before.

I was hoping the food was going to help with the buzzed feeling, no such luck though. As we walked around the first corner I nearly lost my balance and almost walked into some standee in the middle of the isle. My motor skills being a bit off didn’t really seem like that big of a deal, the larger concern was the filter that stops your random thoughts from coming out of your mouth just quit functioning. Anyone who knows me long enough knows I really don’t filter much anyway, but if the filter is off I’m in danger of pissing someone off to the point they may want to shank me. To make matters worse Travis was preoccupied with talking to some chick whose pooper he used to violate on the phone. So in addition to making loud obnoxious comments about the random shoppers in the grocery isles, I was doing anything I could to embarrass him.

I don’t quite recall everything that happened, but a few highlights included me walking past a family with 5 kids who each had distinctly different skin tones and telling Travis “Hey check it out, she has the united nations of vaginas”. I recall multiple times staring down the shirt of a rather hot milf whose heritage I couldn’t quite determine in my impaired state. She was either Mexican or Italian so I compromised and decided she was Italican, and DAAAAAAMMMMNNNN she had a fantastic set of tits. She caught me staring at least 3 separate times and I’m pretty sure overhead me telling Travis how much I wanted to motorboat her. She was towing around some muscle headed midget husband so I was a little nervous that she was going to tell him and I would have to deal with an angry dwarf with some combination of roid rage and short man syndrome.

While Travis was busy tossing a ton of yogurt in the cart we were surrounded by a posse of young Mexicans. I at first only noticed because the girl of the group who was pushing the cart was fairly attractive and I was trying to figure out where she ranked on my hotness scale. Before I came to a decision (7.2, but probably 6.2 now that I think about it because of the company she kept) I was distracted by one of the younger guys in the group. The first thing I noticed was the popped collar on his over sized white polo which was making me chuckle mildly. It only got worse as he turned around and I got a good look at his silver skull and crossbones belt buckle which was only exposed because he tucked just that part of his shirt in to show it off. To top it off this guy had really unusual lines shaved into the side of his head that lead up to his goofy hairstyle while looked like a mohawk that got in a fight with a flowbee while holding his finger in an electric socket. He looked over at me and I took that exact moment nod at him and brush a little dirt off my shoulder and he quickly turned around and headed the other direction. Travis being totally unaware of the scene that was taking place gave me a quizzical look… I chuckled and he went back to stacking yogurt.

While we walked down a few barren isles I couldn’t help but overhear the conversation Travis was having with this woman. So I did made several attempts to interrupt by using my best gay voice and asking him if he wants to get whip cream and strawberries. Then I started talking about how much I liked that he manscapes and why shaved balls are much more attractive than hairy ones. I was doing a pretty good job of keeping Travis’s laughing enough that it had to totally ruin the Walmart phone sex.

While walking through the fruit and vegetable area on the way to the check out I saw mexitalion funbags again and this made me happy as I pointed them out to Travis again and he agreed they were nice. While standing in the checkout lane I noticed a shadow hit my shoes and quickly shoot up the side of my leg so I turned around to see who was coming and I was shocked to see quite possibly the largest natural boobs in existence approaching. I’m totally a boob guy, and I prefer girls who are sporting at least what qualifies as a handful to me which is a lot considering how easy it is for me to palm a basketball. These tits were off the charts. I was thinking to my self I wonder if I can palm them, but quickly realized these would crush my forearm let alone my hands. I was totally mesmerized by the physics of the situation. I finally took the time to try and check out the rest of the package and she was a slightly below average looking for a black woman. Then I decided I wasn’t really concerned with how she looked, instead I was trying to figure out if she had to strap together multiple bras to keep these things in check since I was positive Walmart isn’t selling triple Z sized bolder holders.

Thoughts were running through my head of what would happen if she tipped over and landed on them, and the mental image of her being stuck on top of her own boobs waving her arms & legs frantically was making my inner perv laugh when I noticed that a 4 pack of fruit cups she had on the belt started to tip over. I attempted to catch it but in my impaired state my reaction time was a little lacking and next thing I know I have a package of peaches exploding on my feet. I helped her pick the mess up and hand it to the cashier since you know otherwise Walmart is just leaving it in the isle anyway. At this point were about done checking out and I walk toward the end of the lane to finish tossing bags in the cart while Travis was busy trying to sort out his gift cards and pay for the food. That’s when I noticed from my new angle something I couldn’t see before due to the massive breasts blocking my view. When she turned to the side she had a FUPA hanging out of her shirt. If I had to guess without the boobs she probably would have been a size 10-12, which is perfectly fine with me. However I was totally entranced with the FUPA as it just hung there and as much as I wanted to just point it out to Travis I didn’t want to be that obvious. Instead I pulled out the Iphone and tried to snap a pic so I could show it off later. Unfortunately trying to be inconspicuous with the camera phone and getting a good angle proved difficult with Travis blocking the path. I got a pic in when he backed away and I thought I had succeeded in my mission.

As we walked out I took a look at the pic and was hugely disappointed to find out superfunbags had turned away just when Travis moved so I only had a picture of her ass cheek. In my disgust I deleted the picture in disappointment and now regret I don’t have it to add to this post.

That pretty much concluded Saturday’s fun as I wanted to get some rest to leave and take a shot at winning a seat to the WSOP main event Sunday.