Cast of Characters
The interesting thing about live poker is the largly unusual group of players who frequent any live room. Since I don’t want to use real names in my blog without permission I’ve taken to the habit of giving people nicknames. As time has gone on it made sense to build a reference article to let anyone read this know who is who because after an initial introduction in the blog I’m just going to refer to them by the nickname I give them. Some of the people I mention by actual name are the people I consider friends and who wouldn’t have an issue with me posting stories about them, or they just are not cool enough to have a nickname.
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Travis: My roommate and all around pretty cool guy, even if his girlfriend is a dirty racist ginger.
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Shiva: Because his real name is so awesome he doesn’t get a nickname, as it refers to the god of destruction. So I occasionally refer to him as “The Poker Destroyer of Worlds” or something to that effect.
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Shamwow: I call him that because he reminds me of Vince, the guy who does the Shamwow infomercials. He always has a cheesy grin and tries to talk to you constantly like he is a salesman. Also from what I can tell he always leaves the game beat up like after Vince played tonsil hockey with a stripper. He apparently has some endless supply of money too, so if he is in a game I want to play it. First Appearance.
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Lil Mr. Piggy: Quite possibly the tightest player I’ve ever played with in live action games for any consistent period. He gets this nickname because of his unusual habit of making snorting sounds while at the table. He is also highly irritable and grumpy old fucker. Despite how tight he is, he gets reasonable action on his big hands because players like to see him get mad so they take chances to bust him. I have to admit putting him on tilt is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in live poker. Though playing with him at the table is like playing shorthanded. He also has a habit of buying in for $2k at a 2/5 game when the cap is $500, then he leaves the extra behind on a table to impress people who walk by.
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The Mastermind: This guy is sort of a local celebrity thanks to being the main character of this book. He is a solid tournament player and most the time a really nice guy.
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Kansas: Kansas is a good guy and reasonably solid player who I gave this nickname to just because he is a big fan of the Kansas Jayhawks. This of course entertains me because of his extreme hatred for Roy Williams who happens to coach my favorite team. So I have a good natured sports rivalry going with Kansas.
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Old Richard Simmons (a.k.a. Dick): One of the most annoying players I’ve ever played with. He is a retired guy who always wants to talk about the stock market and wears silly colored warm up suits with poker logos that look like something out of a sweating to the oldies video. Not to mention every time he wins a pot he exclaims “SHIP IT!” like a complete douche bag. He may have some of the worst poker etiquette ever.
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Weeds: He is a slightly older guy, late 40’s probably. Likes to drink and hang out at all the strip clubs. It’s a common thing to see him show up to the card room after all the strip joints shutdown drunk off his ass and looking to gamble. He can completely redefine the term loose when he is drinking not to mention he is constantly talking smack to everyone at the table.
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Jonah T: A rather horrible all around player who looks like the love child of Jonah Hill and Mr. T
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Mad Bomber: Middle eastern guy who is really nice, I just can’t ever remember his actual name. He likes to bet really big when he has a hand so I always comment that he is dropping bombs.
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Fast Finger T: A quiet older guy who likes to overplay any big hand he gets. Easily noticeable at the table for his constantly dirty hands and a couple missing fingertips. Must have had some rough nights in Vegas back in the 70’s or something.
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The Rock: A nickname with dual meaning. It could either be a reverse nickname because he is a pretty loose aggressive player or its given to him because you can’t move him off a hand. Take your pick. Nice guy who is a blast to play with though, especially if you buy him a Corona.
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KG: Short for kindergarten because this guy plays with less than level 1 thinking. He has no business in a 1/2 limit game let alone a medium stakes NL game. Easy target to play with and is always a welcome addition to the table. On the bright side for him is that his nickname can change and some day I may have to start calling him 1st grader.
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Broken Fold Button (BFB): A loose aggressive but reasonably thinking player. Likes to play really loose preflop which puts him in some bad situations postflop, but he has plenty of gamble and is a guy who will play big pots with marginal holdings. He does pretty well in tournament play too.
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Angry Bitter Old Man (ABOM): ABOM is one of my favorite players to play, just because he is so ridiculously easy to read. He has some very specific betting tells that let you know if he has a made hand or is on a draw. I’d love to play something like 25/50 NL heads up with him because it would be the easiest match ever. To top it off he is always bitter when you beat him in a pot so he is on my list of favorite players to take money from.
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Payroll: Payroll is a nice guy and fun to play with, but he gets this nickname from basically being my personal ATM. He is usually one of the two worst players in any game he sits in and likes to push the action so when you make any type of hands against him life can be really sweet.
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Ollie Oldendays: I’ll be honest, I stole this description from a FCP post, but it fits this guy perfectly so I’m using it. The only thing I have to add is this guy tells the least amusing jokes ever, and generally there is more humor in laughing at him than with him.
Yarrrrr! This ancient leatherass hasn’t left the poker table chair since his last arterial bypass surgery in 86.. All he has to show for his illustrious 40 year gaming career are an extensive collection of pud stained stripper leaflets, a rat infested dump in the ghetto with 9 overdue mortgages that he can’t sell because of the two dead hookers buried in the back yard and cirrhosis of the liver from a lifetime spent sucking down casino comped well-brand 7&7’s. Rumor has it that back in the day, he was quite the playa, unfortunately, the young punks done went and changed the game on poor Captain Slopebrow and he just hasn’t been able to cope with “the new poker”. Raise him, raise him a lot but for christs sake, when he raises you back, FOLD YOUR DAMN HAND. If you call, you may as well make a beeline to the stick man at the craps pit and hand your BR right over, since anything you give to this degenerate scumbag will wind up there anyway.
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Ol Dirty Bastard (ODB): ODB is an older guy who gets his nickname for being such a big pervert. Unlike Ollie Oldenday he actually comes up with some funny jokes and generally likes to have a good time when he plays. His style is very loose and passive, but he likes to gamble and will pay you off on big hands. He is always good for the game.
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Crazy Russian: I don’t think CR is actually Russian, but he is from some part of easturn Europe where that was at one point part of the Soviet Union. He is a tall slender guy who wears Adidas track suits all the time and is a pretty horrible card player, he is semi agressive, bluff happy and just generally bad all around. He is missing his pinky on one hand which leads to lots of bad jokes about taking bad beats. Though sometimes he fails to live up to the Crazy part of his nickname, as evidenced in The Legendary Laydown story.